What's Left of Me

I know Pastor Torrence didn’t plan it that way (and the coincidence may prove God’s leading), but his talk today on a new life purpose wrapped up this Barabaric Christianity idea. The simple question that should guide our steps: “How does this make God look?”
I don’t ask that question (or variants of it) very often. You don’t ask that question unless you mean it, unless you care—unless you are grateful enough for all the times he didn’t care in order to ransom us.
My mom will tell you that my first spoken word was, “Mine!” We even have it on tape somewhere. She and Dad have often reminded me that I was their most selfish child, even as generous as I’ve been to my younger siblings. My wife will concur that my selfishness leads to 90% of the arguments in our relationship. even if I’ve lavished her with trips and gifts. Apparently I don’t mind paying for ownership or recognition.
So that question haunted me this morning. Still does. I’m afraid that consecutive conformities—toward his plan for my life—will start a slippery slope with me in some foreign country or aids ward—or back in legalism.
But we’ve seen that level of abandon in John the Baptizer and Jonathan and Jesus, among the other characters in the Bible. They probably smelled of sweat and feet. John was probably skinny from hunger, dressed at best out of a mission barrel, and scary as a flea market Ruckmanite. Jesus didn’t sleep indoors. Jonathan traded raspberry burns for castle massages.
I don’t know if I’m ready for that, if I’m that sold on the investment value of eternity. I know I should be—that I should pine for heaven more than a day off morning under the duvet. Sometimes, I feel guilty enjoying the thrills of driving my Cooper, one-more-time sex before church on Sunday, and Saturday golf. I don’t think Jesus took days off, that John rode anywhere—that pleasure worked into their value system, priority or not.
I don’t think I understand sacrifice or truly want to, but I’m probably closer than I was before today. I’m willing to cut more filth out and replace it with Bible and service, to be bolder regarding the hope that lives within me. Like Nick Lache released this week, I’m willing to give what’s left of me. Even the best part of what’s left of me. I’m okay with ramping the offering of my life up gradually . . . just don’t know if I’m ready to jump off any roofs yet.
I’ll keep you posted.