America doesn’t need my two cents on the candidates we have for president. I would imagine that the only remaining undecided voters are those undecided about whether they will vote for a third party, write in a protest candidate, or skip voting altogether.
So, this post is not meant to change anyone’s mind about Trump or Hillary.
In the wake of the leaked audio of Trump’s lewd conversation with Billy Bush, I do want to change your mind about something: not all men are pigs.
We don’t all think men are better than women.
We don’t all agree that it’s okay to sexually assault a woman.
We wouldn’t all attempt to begin a sexual encounter—let alone with a stranger—by groping a woman’s crotch.
We don’t all assume that woman are sex objects—even the ones to whom we are physically or emotionally attracted.
Some of us have walked with friends and family through the ramifications of rape, molestation, or sexual exploitation. Some of us respect that “no” means “no”—including within a marriage.
Some of us financially support organizations trying to confront the plague of sex trafficking. Some of us men find part of our identity in protecting the women in our lives, not taking advantage of them.
Some of us think star athletes should pay for their crimes, if unwanted intercourse wasn’t “rough sex” or “group sex.”
Some of us find ways to affirm the girls in our lives for more than their appearance. Some of us support women pursuing goals and roles traditionally regarded as masculine. Some of us make sacrifices to help the women in our lives chase their dreams.
Some of us think porn is wrong and far from harmless. Some of us think Hugh Hefner is a creeper. And Christian Grey, too.
It’s reasonable to take precautions with your daughter’s dating parameters. It’s understandable if you build safety measures into your relationships with men. It’s wise to be careful with how and where you party. There are pigs out there, and some of them are dangerous. They deserve the full weight of justice. Most of us men would support more preemptive content in culture aimed at both potential offenders and potential victims.
We don’t have to have daughters to protect women’s rights. We don’t have to have sisters or wives, either. Most of us want a safe world for women and children.
Having said all this, even those of us with the best intentions have ogled beautiful women or told our buddies about a girl who visually arouses interest. Our respect for women doesn’t mean we haven’t clicked on links we know will take us to inappropriate pictures or videos—or Googled something that would create a list of those links. It doesn’t mean that we’ve never laughed at a dirty joke, that we’ve never told one, that we don’t find “that’s what she said” as a far-too-reliable punchline.
It just means that we aren’t proud of when we break from our values, that we don’t make a habit of it, and that we don’t excuse or rationalize it.
Some of us have vulnerable conversations with our friends, mentors, or counselors about our triggers and temptations (sexual or otherwise)—because of those honorable intentions, because we don’t accept cultural assumptions.
As bloggers, podcasters, comedians, academics, and others confront stereotypes, may we as a culture also not assume that “boys will be boys.” Please don’t equate that boy-ness to misogyny, objectification, and sexual assault. Please don’t think Trump represents maleness, masculinity, or manhood any more than Kim Kardashian, Rosanne Barr, or Hillary Clinton represent all women.
I’m a man, a dude—one of the guys; and he sure doesn’t represent me.
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Stock image purchased from iStockPhoto.com.
