According to the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, married guys are having sex significantly more often than non-married men and far more often than single men. Christian leaders have heralded these findings as evidence that God’s plan for monogamy is being proven true, even in a culture known for sexual freedom.
For a lot of guys I meet in church settings, though, sex has been all but taken off the table by their wives—some going months or even years between sexual encounters. That breaks my heart. It also makes me mad that Satan wins. He wants to thwart fulfilling, married sex so that spouses are tempted to look to other (unholy) places to get their needs met. Since God uses marriage as a picture of his relationship with us, evil wants rejected, dejected husbands and distant, unconnected wives.
We can fight back, though. Men, we can reclaim lost ground with the following ten initiatives.
Get professional help.
Marvin Gaye was right: sex can be a healing experience. At the same time, healing usually precedes sexual freedom and release. If you or your wife are experiencing physical pain from sex, don’t be too embarrassed to seek professional medical treatment. If the mechanics of vaginal intercourse are not repairable, explore other forms of stimulation God made our bodies able to enjoy.
More often than not, it’s emotional trauma or psychological barriers that obstruct sexual freedom. Even in the church, the statistics for sexual abuse and misuse are alarming. The church itself has done a lot of damage in teaching the wrong messages about sex, especially to women. There is freedom from those chains available through trained, Christ-centered counselors. Faith-based sex therapists are growing in number; and some offer discreet, online sessions—great for those living in cities without that option.
Do your homework.
Never stop working on your game. Read marriage blogs & sex books. There are so many good ones out there! Listen to podcasts like Sexy Marriage Radio. Use the free Our Intimate Choices: Communication Aid to start a conversation with your wife about sexual boundaries and preferences. Turn the Private Affair relational-intimacy question cards into conversations during an evening walk or private car ride. Ask her what appeals to her in the characters, plots, and scenes of romantic movies she watches. Pay attention to her aspirational pins and likes on Pinterest. Her hopes and dreams are where her heart lives.
Rescue “intimacy” from euphemism.
Especially in church circles, “getting intimate” with your spouse means “getting it on.” If you want to get physically naked more often, get emotionally naked more often. Ask your wife, or watch a chick flick. Both will tell you that women find vulnerable men sexy.
Even more importantly, be an intimacy receptacle. Work to be a safe place where she can complain without critique, weep within a strong embrace, exhale from her cares and concerns. Validate her feelings, where appropriate. Make sure your conversations include, “How can I pray with you about that?” or “Let’s talk to God about this.”
Understand the power of romance.
Your wife’s orgasms result as much from emotional stimulation as from physical titillation. So, seduce her brain. Genuinely compliment her (and not just for physical features). Tell her what you like about pictures of her posted on social media. Use an app like Word Swag to write quotes on pretty or comical photos to text her. You can get free photos from Google Images, if you’re not good at snapping pictures. Leverage the Love Quotes app, if you need some inspiration for words.
Leave her notes that quote poetry or lines from songs about love. Send her links to funny stories. Cut pictures or articles from magazines and send them to her with a funny sticky note, a romantic card, or even just “This made me think of you.” Make a themed “mix tape” list on CD, iTunes, or Spotify. It doesn’t have to be a romantic theme—just one that shows you’re paying attention to conversational or aspirational themes. Light some scented candles in the bathroom and draw her a warm bath, while you take care of household action. Be careful how you surprise her, though. Sometimes romantic gestures can be an inconvenience to her.
Include lots of oxytocin touches.
One of the reward chemicals that flood our bodies during and especially after intercourse is oxytocin, and women get oxytocin in much higher doses than we do. They also get smaller hits of oxytocin in relational touches like holding a child’s hand, breastfeeding, and non-sexual physical interactions with a partner. It will be easier for her to relax and trust her lover, if she’s getting regular oxytocin moments throughout the day and week.
So, just hold her around her arms while she’s waiting for the pasta to boil. Put your hand on the small of her back, when you’re sitting on the bleachers. Hold her hand, as you walk or fall asleep. Rub her biceps and shoulders, while standing in the checkout line. Kiss longer than perfunctory pecks as you leave or return from work. It’s okay if your pants bulge; just don’t make a move. Let her know you can touch her with no strings attached.
Leverage the rest of the day (or week or month).
Foreplay starts when the most recent sexual encounter ends. Christian sex coach Shannon Ethridge calls it “leaving the pilot light lit.” Thank your wife for specific sexual experiences. Joke with her using double entendres and “That’s what she said.” Tease with playful, suggestive texts (not pictures of your penis). Write notes in the steam of the morning mirror.
Keep your half of the bedroom (or the whole thing) tidy to make the bedroom feel more like a hotel room than a laundry room. Take chores off her mental to-do list; ask her what you can take off her plate. Look for patterns in her emotional schedule; then use them as your guide for initiating sex.
Initiate courageously and creatively.
Like a quarterback that leads his team on a two-minute touchdown drive after throwing an interception, don’t let past failure keep you on the bench. Respond to her “not tonight” with gracious humor. Ask for a rain check with a specific expiration date. Schedule a sexual encounter with her, and woo her constantly until that time. Send her cute countdown messages or even small gifts.
Never demand sex. Never use Bible verses to guilt her into sex. Do initiate in creative ways. Use new words; find double meanings and code phrases you can use in conversations—especially if she’s worried about the kids hearing your invitation. Ask her how and when she likes to be asked.
Make the encounter about her.
When she agrees to sex, pursue her pleasure and climax first. Only then pursue your own orgasm. Or don’t. Every once in a while, make the experience only about her. Let her know her enjoyment means as much to you as yours does. After the afterglow, ask feedback questions to learn what she most enjoyed. Know that this is a moving target. So, don’t take mental notes once and put subsequent encounters on auto-pilot. Give unsolicited, positive feedback to let her know what you enjoy doing for her and receiving from her.
Look in the mirror.
Just because most gals are less visually stimulated than fellas, don’t assume you can forego some physical maintenance. Dude, you need to work out. Most guys reading this could stand to lose or reallocate some pounds. Brush your teeth or rinse with mouthwash throughout the day. Keep your nails short and as clean as your profession allows. Shower after work, even if not a manual labor job. Don’t be too embarrassed to manscape. Wear clothes and scents she likes. Ask her for recommendations, if you don’t already know. If you’re job doesn’t have grooming standards, let your wife determine your facial hair and the style of what’s above your sideburns.
Avoid the porn trap.
Your wife may already be insecure about her sexuality. She’s almost guaranteed to be unsatisfied with her body. Don’t exacerbate that with porn. Science has shown that porn cuts neurological pathways that literally change patterns in the way we think and see the world, let alone how we approach sex. That goes for magazines and websites; but it can also be music lyrics & videos, TV shows, and movies. So, research film content advisories; and let your wife be your movie bouncer. Look up song lyrics before you purchase or add to your streaming playlist.
It’s not a sin to fantasize about your wife. Just be careful not to objectify her as a sex toy. When you get to a safe place in your marriage, you might even try telling her what you fantasize about her. That’s down the road, though. Right now, just focus on demonstrating to her that she’s your world, your muse—the place where all of your sexual energy is aimed.
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Special thanks to Zoey Miller of The Babble Out for her robust article on oxytocin and helping get the word out on healthier relationships!
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Stock image purchased form iStockPhoto.com
