My dad became a pastor when I was in grade school. My mom adapted to the rigors of life as a pastor’s wife with incredible grace, skill, and determination. I should have paid attention to her example. Decades later, I have found myself married to a pastor.
That’s weird for me to write. Frankly, I never imagined that reality, let alone that sentence. Fifteen years ago, I said “I do,” on a beach to a portrait painter with a brand new fine art degree.
To be fair, my wife wouldn’t call herself a pastor. Neither does the non-denominational megachurch that writes her paychecks—officially, anyway. She shepherds one of the primary women’s ministries in our church, a steady group of well over 100 women. Her job entails developing Bible study series and writing workbooks, as well as meeting women all week in coffee shops & restaurants, living rooms & offices. Add to that five days a week of planning and mentoring meetings, as she nurtures volunteers who lead small groups. Oh, and an incessant deluge of “I have to answer this” kind of texts.
Away from the church campus, she serves in a ministry for inner city girls. Frankly, her safety worries me a lot, especially after I looked at websites that map reported violent and sexual crimes in our area. Her activist heart has also led her to co-lead our church’s strategic partnership in Nicaragua that minister to women and children whose lives have been marred by prostitution and even sex slavery. She leverages her bilingual tongue to teach Bible studies, lead small business sessions, and visit filthy brothels. (She doesn’t take the pepper spray I bought her there, either.)
Anyway, in case you’re wondering, there’s not a lot of advice out there for guys on how to be a husband to this kind of minister. I’ve really struggled with this role. My selfishness has sabotaged the transition. When I tried to put myself in her shoes, though, I found these actionable personal goals. Hopefully, they’re not as lofty for you as they have been for me.
Accept that she can’t tell you a lot about her work.
My wife has been prepared for CIA or FBI work with all the confidential information she has guarded. Broken lives come with sensitive, if not salacious, details. Some content isn’t secret—just a lot to explain, especially to a dude. Remind yourself that she can trust you but may not have the freedom to leverage that trust.
Pray with her.
Her ministry is your ministry, even if you don’t participate in the practical side of it. Actively listen to her struggles and concerns. If you still don’t know what to pray, tell her that. Ask her how you can pray for her. Then do it with her.
Reassure her of her kingdom contribution.
Spiritual leadership requires playing the long game. Progress can sometimes appear glacial with little visible return on investment. Discouragement can lead to burnout. So, write her encouraging notes. Praise her on social media. Remind her of stories of life change. Tell her how her example has influenced you.
Help her build decompression time into her schedule.
Ministry work wears differently than marketplace work, because someone’s eternity can be at stake. It will take her a while to unwind from her day (or night). Be her bouncer, her built-in excuse to say, “No, but thanks.” Draw her a bath. Take the kids or pets out of the house for a while. Schedule dates, walks, and sexual encounters focused on her catharsis.
Take stuff off her plate.
Do some of “her” chores for her. If she has a particular way of doing them, learn to complete the tasks her way—even if you disagree. Ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her day easier. Take things off your plate to create both an example of margin and room to bear some of her load.
Don’t compete or compare.
No matter what you do for a living or where you serve in ministry, God has given you different lanes in which to run. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says to do whatever we do for God’s glory. Each role is important, even if it isn’t financially compensated equally. Both can be pursued on mission, and both can have God’s reward. Your role is not less than hers; and hers isn’t inferior, either.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, any more than it’s an easy one. These suggestions can get you in the right headspace, though, which will help all of you build your own list.
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Stock image purchased from iStockPhoto.com.
